Interpreting Intense Emotions in a Helpful Way: 4 Suggestions!

When presented with just about any option (other than perhaps eating ice cream), I have noticed that some children will always respond NO to any suggestion I provide. And then a few minutes later, they'll come back with the same suggestion, but when they feel they've decided on their own, they like the idea. Some children will get angry very quickly when new suggestions are made. I used to have a hard time understanding this, and the following thoughts would roll around in my head: Why is this child reacting so strongly? Why is the reaction so inflexible?

I've come to understand that for some children, especially neurodiverse children, new ideas are really scary. And the instant NO or anger display, may not be anger or negativity, but an expression of fear. What they might be saying is, "I don't know how to handle a new option or a new situation and I'm pushing away the whole thing because it makes me so uncomfortable."

So how do you manage these moments? The explosions are not fun for you and your child. If you think of it as a type of seizure, an intense uncontrollable explosion, you can find more understanding and compassion at the moment. If you fly off the handle, it only gets worse. Here are some techniques that I have found work well:

• Give options

  • "You have 3 shirts to choose from, which one do you want to wear today?" Versus saying, do you want to wear the orange one (no) the blue one (no) the plaid one (no).

• Preemptive warning

  • "We're getting ready to enter the town and we'll have to make some decisions. Not now, but in about 10 minutes. Here's what we'll need to decide. Are we going to find a place to eat first, or are we going to explore the hotel we're staying at? Let's discuss what might work best." Giving warning and a role in the decision making, although not always possible, can be really helpful.

• Praise and reflection

  • "I am so proud of your calmness in that situation. You showed a lot of maturity. How did that situation feel versus yesterday when you seemed upset? Is there anything you can understand from this?"

• Practice and discuss, and raise your child's tolerance for disappointment

  • "What is the worst thing that would happen if your teacher picks another child instead of you for the special job? I know you've been looking forward to being selected. Let's discuss ways you could react?"

  • "Making quick decisions is hard. Can we practice this by playing (fill in a game they like) and giving ourselves limits on our response time? If we practice together, then when you play with your friends, this will help you become comfortable with making quick decisions."

Be aware that this takes a lot of time and a lot of practice. Find any small opportunity to see and remark on your child's progress. That will help your child see his growth and you gain his/her trust so you can support him/her in more difficult moments. If this post speaks to you, you might enjoy this book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.